There is so much about me that is my mama. There is so much of me that is completely lost without her here, without her on the other end of the phone or down the block or snuggled next to me on the couch. I feel her absence like I’ve lost a limb or part of who I am. In fact, I feel adrift and insecure in who I am, because she was and is so central to my being. BUT all of this intense emotion is quieted when Ryan holds me and when I hold my boys. Even if it is just for a moment, their presence centers me, because I learned how to be a wife and a mother from my amazing mama. She showed me how to love my boys, because she loved my brothers and me more than her life. I found this poem I wrote about my boys right before Mother’s Day this year and it calms my heart; it is evidence that my mama is still with me. I am the mama I am as a direct result of the mama I had. I'm not perfect at motherhood, and there's still so much I wish I could have learned from her. But I know she was proud of the mother I am to my sons, and I will keep trying to follow in her footsteps. As I continue on this adventure with my boys, the lifetime of love she poured out on me will pour down onto my sweet babes.
My Mama Adventure
Part of the adventure with you,
my love
is discovering all you can do,
my love
and seeing the world through your eyes:
the surprise
as you become wise
to what a butterfly feels like on your hand,
and you understand
how to throw a ball
and bounce back after a fall
and swing by yourself
and reach higher shelves
than I wish you could reach.
Then you teach
me how you smile a different smile
all the while you pile
sand over your feet,
or when you run to meet
your friend in the hallway
at church, or when you bow your head to pray
or say,
I love you
and wrap your arms around my neck the way you do
and show me to love
so beyond and above
what I thought I could
and be more than I ever thought I would.
For the true adventure with you,
my love
is—every day—discovering you,
my love.
