For Ryan~my brave, loving accomplice in this life adventure

You are...

my epic love story
my warm blanket
my shelter from the elements of life

You are...

the lightbulb above my head during my ah-ha moments
the skip in my heartbeat when I know you're about to open the door
the deep breath I take before I need to be brave

You are...

a warrior
a foundation
a poem

You are around me, inside me, before me and behind me
...as much a part of who I am as I am.
I am because YOU ARE!

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

Sawyer's Slumber

In a few short days, my baby-son will turn two…and I feel as though I will no longer have any babies—just big boys.Through my youngest man’s recent moments of defiance and beautiful independence, I have felt the inevitable passing of time squeeze my heart in uncomfortable joy and love. Shocks waves of longing for his tiny weight in my now womb-less belly have made me so thankful and so sad for what was and is and will be with my boys.

Then, just now, time stood still as I lay next to my second-born as he fell asleep, and I was filled with gratitude (not sadness) that my boys are growing up.Fiercely four-years-old, Sawyer lives intensely in every direction, and I follow him around through each day with mixtures of exhaustion and amusement and pride and a fair dose of bewilderment.I often rush him to bed in order to have a few moments of peace, and he falls instantly to sleep as he has used up every iota of energy his compact little body can muster.But tonight, with husband and oldest son off to the movies and almost-two-year-old boy sound asleep in the other room, I just snuggled with my middle guy and felt like a first time mama all over again.

When did I stop watching his every movement with awe?When did I stop noticing his impossibly long eyelashes open and close over sparkling eyes, each blink longer than the last as he succumbs to sleep?I remember his first months as I held him for hours, marveling over his every breath, coo and smell.Now, he smells more like a puppy with sweat and sweets and dirt and reminders that we missed bath-time again, and yet as I breath in his all-boy smell I think of the adventures we had together today and wish I could bottle this smell up.His hands are sticky as he unconsciously reaches over and strokes my hair and face.Toes tickle my knee caps as he snuggles closer, and I can’t believe that he’s long enough to take this much of the bed up, yet so small that my little hand still spans the width of his whole back that is now rising and falling deeply and steadily.He really has always been incredibly good at sleeping.

Thank you, Lord, for the reminder to just breathe in the moments in front of me.Thank you for the picture of parenthood that allows to me to see flashes of how you see me.May this year be a year of me snuggling into your presence and letting your warmth lull me into a place of rest.

Thank You Video

Last Thanksgiving, I was so sick that I couldn't get off the couch.  I had just done the 5th of my 6 chemo cycles, and I was sicker than I had been in the whole process.  My sweet daddy bought the entire set of Harry Potter movies, so I laid on the couch that our dear friends, Lauren and Stephen, had given us for just such an occasion and vegged on countless hours of Hogwarts fun (ask me anything about those movies, and I can tell you...12 hours of special features!).  Dad took the boys to our friends the Brains' house for a Thanksgiving meal, and Ryan held me the entire day.  And I truly was thankful for so much: perseverance, what I was learning through loss and pain, good news from test results, Ryan's arms around me, my family, my friends, my Savior, the list went on and on.

BUT, oh my goodness, I am so unbelievably thankful that this Thanksgiving is going to be SOOOO different! I am healed, I am healthy, and I get to EAT Thanksgiving dinner with my family.  As much as I love Harry Potter, I hope that is the last Thanksgiving that he and I have to spend together.  In the spirit of thankfulness, I want to share a video Ryan made chronicling many of the life-sustaining ways people have blessed us in the last sixteen months.  I truly do not know how we would have made it to this day without the people who allowed God to use them as his hands, feet, voice, and pocketbook in our lives.  Thank you for the food, the encouragement, the prayers, the company, the extravagant gifts, the funds, the love and the courage you showed by walking every step of the way with us.  This video is our thank you card to you.

I love you!  Happy Thanksgiving!