I have been very nostalgic this week. It’s Sawyer’s fault. He has fallen in love with Disney’s The Little Mermaid, so Ariel’s voice has been souring through my house almost non-stop. The Little Mermaid is the first movie I remember seeing in the movie theater. My mama bought me a cassette tape of the soundtrack, so Luke and I would put that in my little tape player and act out the entire movie to the music all around our house. Those were truly delightful and carefree times.
I was in that nostalgic mood at church on Sunday when the worship team started playing “I Want to Know You More.” Immediately I was taken back to high school when I sang that song with the youth group worship team. It was a new song then, and we loved it! Those were sweet and simple times.
So while singing that song in a flurry of memories, I wondered if I longed to go back in time--to the wonder of childhood or the self-discovery of adolescence, to a time when death and cancer had not permeated my horizons. And instantly I knew that I wouldn’t go back. I had an epiphany. My joys and my sorrows are so intimately interwoven that I wouldn’t know how to extract the sorrow without unraveling the joy. I can’t say that I’m glad my mom suffered and that I’m battling cancer; in fact, those two things cause me intense pain on many levels. But I am immeasurably grateful for my life today...every part of it. And I believe that my joys would not be as sweet without the presence of my sorrows.
May you feel loved by our creator when you look at the tapestry of your life: the hardships, grief and pain sewn inextricably together with the triumphs, celebrations and peace.
Darn It, Google!
This weekend I did something that I have mostly managed to avoid since my cancer battle began: I did some online research about my disease. I learned through my mom’s journey that reading online articles, testimonies and especially statistics is often more scary and harmful than helpful. Frankly, when you’re diagnosed with stage IV metastatic breast cancer, google is not your friend.
I really don’t think that this is the equivalent of me sticking my head in the sand. I have spoken with numerous medical professionals throughout this process, and Ryan and I have prayerfully and thoughtfully made our decisions. I have read EVERYTHING that the doctors give me to read, and I often read medical journals. But I know that the stuff I’ll find online will paint a pretty scary picture of my future.
Which is why I’m struggling with fear right now. I decided to dive into online research, because I really wanted to gather more information about the liver surgery options I was given. It is a big decision, and my surgeon encouraged me to research it thoroughly before we move forward. While I found lots of great information about the two possible surgeries, I couldn’t avoid the scary statistics. I couldn’t avoid the how likely it is that my cancer will come back. I couldn’t avoid how likely it is that this will eventually get me before I get the privilege of being called an old woman. I couldn’t avoid getting a little freaked out by the fact that the odds are not in my favor (sorry about that...I just binged and read all three Hunger Games books last week, so that phrase keeps ringing in my head). I've always known all of this bad news, but I've chosen to not focus on it. Seeing it in print made it all much harder to ignore these last few days.
I’ve been reminding myself of all that God has done on my journey so far. I’ve had two of my doctors tell me that they are trying to cure me and not just maintain my life for awhile. I’ve had a CLEAN petscan (praise the Lord!) And my body continues to respond perfectly to all of my treatments. My oncologist told me stage IV often does mean incurable, but that she believes I’m curable. During my researching, I was stunned to find out that my liver is the most manageable place the cancer could have matastacized. If it had gone to the two more common spots, my bones or my lungs, there wouldn’t have been much earthly hope for me. God has been performing miracles all along the way.
And so, I’m writing this to fight my fears of leaving my family too soon. I’m writing this not having conquered my dark thoughts and scary visions of the future, but as a tool to ward them off. How can I battle my fears? By reminding myself what I know to be true. I know that I serve a God who does not work inside the boundaries of likelihoods, odds or statistics. I know that God actually often chooses situations that seem impossible to show us that his victories do not conform to the workings of this world. The Old Testament is full of stories in which God’s people were victorious against crazy odds. The New Testament is full of Jesus‘ miracles that defied human explanation. If God wants you to wake up from the dead, you do. If God wants to feed 5000 with a small handful of food, he will. If God wants to bring Jesus back from the dead, it happens. If God’s plan is to have me be healed for the rest of my life, I’ll be healed no matter what the stats are. And if that’s not his plan for me, then I will not tackle that scenario today. Today I will just hold onto Psalms 139:16: “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
God knows my future, and he will be there every step of the way. I think all I can do right now is pray for him to protect me from fears about the future, so that I can better enjoy the gift of this moment.
And me and google are going to part ways once again:-)
Peace Eternal
I believe that God is good and powerful. Sometimes it’s hard to reconcile the God I know to be good with the terrible things that happen in this world. God can seem remote, removed and incapable or, worse, unwilling to answer prayers. So why do I still hold onto the idea that he is omnipotent and worthy of praise? Because I have seen the work of God in my life, he is faithful to the promises he has made and they are far greater than the trials of this world. Yet I often find myself trying to come up with a clear answer to what my faith has to offer the world.
We are an instant-gratification culture, and at times eternal life seems too far off to appeal when we want to live a fun-filled, note-worthy life right now. We all know retirement is important, so saving for our future is not foreign to us, but sometimes eternal life or “the good news” is not immediate enough to outweigh what can definitely sound like “the bad news”: putting our faith in Jesus Christ does not guarantee a pain-free life. In fact, in part of John 16:33, Jesus says, “In this world you WILL have trouble” (the emphasis is mine). And he’s right. In the last year, I have lost my beautiful mama and battled deadly cancer myself. I have felt despair and fear so palpable it hurts. There have been moments when the trouble Jesus speaks of has felt capable of destroying me. And I know that many of you face unimaginable pain as well.
Which brings me back to my question: what do I have to offer to those who haven’t heard or doubt or actually reject this truth that I believe with all my heart and soul--that Jesus Christ who was sinless died for our sins so that we may have eternal life? I’m starting to think the answer has everything to do with the rest of John 16:33. The whole verse says, “I have told you these things, so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
He has overcome the world and the trouble we will face. The trouble comes to everyone, yet those who trust Christ can have what seems impossible...peace in times of turmoil. For me that has often meant that he gives me great joy in the midst of trials; joy in my husband, boys and family; joy in my friends who have blessed me beyond measure, and joy in my passions like reading, writing and the outdoors. He has protected me from overwhelming despair with a shield of joy. The old Sunday school song rings so true for me: “the joy of the Lord is my strength!” This peace and joy also stems from his living, active presence in my life. God is not in a distant, floating cloud-Kingdom observing how my life plays out. He is powerfully directing my life in an up-close-and-personal way, hearing and responding to my prayers and the groaning of my heart, wrapping me up in his arms and protecting me from the enemy. He is on the front lines of my life.
John 16:33 has also meant for me that Jesus has continued to make me a supernatural being. I am not being humble or self-deprecating when I say that anything strong or good or admirable about me is supernatural; it is God working in me. When I feel peace, it is from God. When I respond to trials with strength, it is His arms that are giving me power. When I am selfless in my marriage or compassionate to a friend or stranger, it is through His prompting and His provision. I cannot and do not want to take credit for what He has done and is doing in me, because I know the natural person I would be without Him would be desolate, lost and selfish.
And finally John 16:33 also means the relief that comes from knowing there IS eternal life. This particular retirement plan is priceless when you truly face death. Because there is no getting around the fact that this life ends. For everyone. So far, we haven’t found a way to cheat death. I am fighting with everything in me to not let cancer kill me, but I know that I will die someday. As amazing and worth fighting for as my life is, I would crumple if this life was all I had to hold onto. Paul writes, “When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: ‘Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?’ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 15:54-57). Jesus Christ conquered death for me. This does not mean that I will not die here on earth. But it does mean that my earthly death will not be the end of my story. My death will not be the end of my life. Knowing that Heaven is waiting for me, gives me the peace Jesus is talking about in John 16:33.
May you find joy in the one who makes us supernatural today. And if you don’t believe what I am saying, please know that I desperately want you to experience the life--on earth and in Heaven--that comes with accepting this gift of salvation. A life not devoid of trouble, because trouble finds everyone. But a life with the one who has overcome that trouble and who will never abandon you as you “walk through the valley of the shadow of death” (Psalm 23:4).
