Today is my sixth month anniversary! Six months ago, on July 26th, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. In the weeks following the first shock, we learned that it was in fact stage IV metastatic breast cancer and very aggressive at that. Those are some of the worst terms you can hear when it comes to cancer, especially since stage IV patients are usually considered incurable.
But God is bigger than any foe I can face. I’m learning about that in a Bible study I’m doing about the life of David. The Old Testament characters were often faced with insurmountable odds. Before David enters the picture, Saul’s son Jonathan and one of his armor-bearers go against an entire Philistine outpost all by themselves. Jonathan assures his armor-bearer, “‘Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few’” (1 Samuel 14:6). Then they move forward and conquer the outpost! A few chapters later, David--who is described as a young boy--defeats Goliath who is over nine feet tall and wearing 140 pounds of armor declaring, “‘the battle is the Lord’s! (1 Samuel 17:47). God allows the opposition to seems impossible, because then the victory can only be credited to him and not the power of men.
So look at me today. I still have to finish radiation and at least three more surgeries this year, but my last PETscan showed no sign of cancer, and I have had two doctors tell me that they believe I can be cured. Hmmm...curing the incurable. Who can do that? Even though I have great doctors, it definitely wasn’t them; and it has been made painfully clear to me that there is NOTHING I can do to rid myself of this disease. It is simply and wonderfully the Lord God Almighty working in me. This battle is the Lord’s, for nothing can hinder him from saving...not even stage IV cancer. He has made this sixth month anniversary a day to celebrate, because even though these have been the hardest six months of my life, he has never left my side. He has conquered the cancer in my body. All glory to my Lord and Savior!
Thank you thank you thank you!
We are having a fabulously lazy day. The kind of day I almost never allow myself or my sons to have--a day of endless Disney Channel and Kinect games for them and reading and internet TV for me. We are on vacation to celebrate the end of my chemo regimen and I am beyond thankful for the gift of this lazy day.
I have been so thankful for life and all its blessings these last few days that I feel like I’m constantly about to start giggling and I half expect the people around me to break into choreographed song and dance. Obviously I am thankful that my chemo is done, the weekly trips to Medford are done, and the constant dread of Thursdays is done. But it’s more than that. I’m thankful for a whole list of things that being done with chemo has brought brilliantly to light. And since this is a lazy day and I have time, I’m going to share my list with you.
1) I am thankful for chemo. My beautiful friend Lauren said it best when she told me that she has a love/hate relationship with chemo. Chemo has made my life pretty miserable the past six months, but it has also literally given me my life back. I know none of us are promised tomorrow, but chemo has given me back my hope for a future in this life.
2) I am thankful for Ryan. There is a special closeness that has developed between us that came from facing death, pain and fear together. Even thought I wouldn’t wish this on us, I also wouldn’t trade the feeling of impenetrability it has given our marriage. He is one tough stud; he has been my champion through countless trials, and despite the fact that most of what we’ve faced has been very serious, we have spent a lot of our time laughing.
3) I am thankful for my boys. I could go on and on here, so suffice it to say—Liam, Sawyer and Everett bring me joy, laughter, inspiration and humility every day. They teach me to live in the moment, appreciate the small wonders and big adventures in this life and have truly been my reasons to keep moving forward during my darkest times.
4) I am thankful for my dad, brothers, gramma, and sister-in-law. I am thankful for my parents-in-law and all of Ryan’s family. They have buoyed me up, supported me, bravely shared their grief and hard days and lifted me up during mine. They have watched my children and fed my family countless times. They have been my life raft in this ocean of uncertainty. I am also thankful for my mama, who taught me all about perseverance and being joyful during tribulation. Her voice in my head is a constant comfort.
5) I am thankful for my friends who have gone above and beyond what friendship requires: childcare, food, long phone calls, drives to Medford, financial support, encouraging presents and cards…the list goes on forever and each kindness is a cherished memory in my heart.
6) I am thankful for my community, my church, Triad, all of you who read my blog and the people across the globe who have reached out to me, embraced me, encouraged me and prayed for me. I am continually humbled by your faithfulness and support.
7) I am unbelievably thankful for many first-times-in-a-long-times (like since August) that have happened this week: my first days without nausea, the first time a mocha tasted good, the first book I finished since my brain is finally unfogged enough to focus, the first deep-none medicated sleep, the first day without pills, the first Thursday (this Thursday) that I’m not traveling to Medford.
8) And finally, I am thankful and excited about what’s to come: feeling better every day, regaining my strength, growing my hair back, exercising, losing weight, writing and reading more and living a life that doesn’t revolve around when I’ll feel sick and when I’ll feel slightly better.
Above all, I am thankful for my Lord who has not only given me the strength to fight for my life and healed me beyond anyone’s expectations, but he has given me a salvation that will last beyond this world.
“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it” (Psalm 118:24).
Time to Celebrate!
When I walked into my classroom on my first day after being on maternity leave with Everett, there were beautiful flowers on my desk, candy in my desk drawer and a message on the white board: "You is smart. You is kind. You is important" (our favorite quote from the amazing book The Help). My mom snuck in and somehow put all that together before I got there at 7:00am. She knew that I was having conflicting emotions about coming back to work and leaving my six-week-old-baby, and so she turned my return into a celebration. Mama sure did know how to celebrate.
That memory has been dancing through my head as I finished up my last time of feeling awful from chemo and enjoyed Christmastime with my family. Both instances have made me miss her even more, because she would have been so good at commemorating them. My mama had a gift for celebrating the big and the small in the lives of those around her. She made cookies for the entire elementary school after a good concert; she snuck congratulations cards in first-year-teachers' boxes after they completed their first year; she brought congratulations (or sometimes conciliatory) treats to the basketball teams after state championships; she threw the best birthdays and baby showers; and once, during my junior year in college, she sent a box full of hula skirts and a hula-how-to-book to my house of girls because she found out that October was Learn Something New Month. I love that she never missed out on a chance to celebrate.
As we go through this time of celebration in December and the New Year, I am struck with how much this has given me strength and purpose through my own cancer journey and through the murky waters of grief. For my mama celebrated life during the most difficult times. And I've found that to be one of the keys to getting through the really tough stuff. If I waited for things to be better or smoother or easier, I would never celebrate the victories happening around me every day.
My two big boys were in a wonderful Christmas concert at the beginning of this month. I was bursting with pride as Sawyer banged on his plastic drum and sang "Little Drummer Boy." I beamed as Liam came out in his angel costume and watched his director with a serious intensity, getting every word to the song right. I laughed as Liam lost interest toward the end of the program and studied his fingernails with that same intensity. Right at the end, though, he remembered he was on stage and sang the last few notes with gusto. I was sitting in the audience, filled with joy and thankfulness that my boys were part of something so sweet right as Everett snuggled into my chest and threw up (Exorcist-style) all over me.
And that's just the way it is, isn't it? Our moments of celebration and our times of despair often crash right up against each other, usually in a messy way. But the vomit didn't take away from Liam and Sawyer's accomplishment, and their wonderful job in the program didn't distract me from caring for Everett. All of it happened at once...and that's ok.
Sometimes, usually when I'm feeling sick or my boys are struggling, I catch myself thinking that everything is dark and gloomy, that light and sunshine are hard to find and that I will have to wait until the future to truly experience joy. But that's definitely not how my Savior lived his life here on earth. He knew that mourning and sorrow were coming more quickly than he would like, but he continually chose relationship and healing over despair. When others were fasting, he ate with friends (Mark 2:18-22), when the Pharisees and Sadducees made him angry with their "stubborn hearts", he reached out and healed a man's shriveled hand (Mark 3:1-6), when his congregation got hungry, but he still had a message to give, he miraculously fed 5000 people and then later 4000! (Matthew 14:13-21 & 15:32-39). He did often feel heavy-hearted, and he would withdraw to regroup, but he did not let gloom and trouble dominate his life and his actions or thwart his intentions.
One of the last things my mom did before she died was go to Disneyland with my dad to celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary. She would ride rides with my dad, eat yummy food and then collapse in their hotel room in pain. She never let her pain stop her from celebrating.
So if you are experiencing the tough stuff this holiday, that's ok...this has been a hard December for me too. Just know that there is room for the good stuff too. May you find reasons to celebrate every day.
The boys before their Christmas concertAngel Liam
My celebration stick the nurses at the Cancer Center gave me for finishing my last chemo session!
