My Mama Adventure

There is so much about me that is my mama.  There is so much of me that is completely lost without her here, without her on the other end of the phone or down the block or snuggled next to me on the couch.  I feel her absence like I’ve lost a limb or part of who I am.  In fact, I feel adrift and insecure in who I am, because she was and is so central to my being.  BUT all of this intense emotion is quieted when Ryan holds me and when I hold my boys.  Even if it is just for a moment, their presence centers me, because I learned how to be a wife and a mother from my amazing mama.  She showed me how to love my boys, because she loved my brothers and me more than her life.  I found this poem I wrote about my boys right before Mother’s Day this year and it calms my heart; it is evidence that my mama is still with me.  I am the mama I am as a direct result of the mama I had.  I'm not perfect at motherhood, and there's still so much I wish I could have learned from her.  But I know she was proud of the mother I am to my sons, and I will keep trying to follow in her footsteps.  As I continue on this adventure with my boys, the lifetime of love she poured out on me will pour down onto my sweet babes.   

My Mama Adventure

Part of the adventure with you,
                                   my love
is discovering all you can do,
                                   my love
and seeing the world through your eyes:
      the surprise
      as you become wise
to what a butterfly feels like on your hand,
and you understand
   how to throw a ball
      and bounce back after a fall
and swing by yourself
                     and reach higher shelves
                        than I wish you could reach.

Then you teach
me how you smile a different smile
            all the while you pile
            sand over your feet,
or when you run to meet
       your friend in the hallway
at church, or when you bow your head to pray
         or say,
I love you
and wrap your arms around my neck the way you do
   and show me to love
            so beyond and above
            what I thought I could
and be more than I ever thought I would.

For the true adventure with you,
                                    my love
is—every day—discovering you,
                                    my love.

Some pain med ramblings:-)

God has been teaching me some important things in the last few days, and I wanted to share them.

First of all, God truly fortified me before my surgery. I mean that in the literal sense of the word. I would feel fear racing toward my heart and it would bounce off before it could penetrate my peace. I had an actual shield of peace! I have felt a peace that passes understanding before, but this was the first time I've ever felt the fortress of God's love surround me like that.

Secondly, being so physically dependent on everyone around me has taught me to be spiritually dependent on my Lord.  Ryan has been a huge part of this lesson. I have to rely on him for practically everything. He lifts me out of bed in the morning, he helps me out of my pajamas, he helps me sit on the stool he put in our shower and gives me a shower with the new detachable shower head he installed, he puts on my clothes, he brushes my hair and puts it in a ponytail, he opens my pill bottles and helps me get from place to place in the house, he gets my food and at the end of the night, he lays me into bed. Not only does he win the husband of the year award, but he is illustrating for me how beautiful dependence can be. Psalm 130:5 says, "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." Just like I know without a shadow of a doubt that Ryan's hand will be there to grasp mine when I reach out, I know that God's reassurance will be there when my heart reaches out. I wait for him with my whole being, because the Bible shows that every time the Lord makes a promise, he fulfills it. God says in Hebrews 13:5, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Even in the darkest moments of this week...and believe me there have been some truly dark ones...God has not forsaken me, and the most tangible proof is my husband who does not leave my side, my family and friends who are surrounding me and supporting me, and the hundreds of people who are praying for me every day.

Finally, I better understand Paul's instruction to "give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). I still wish I did not have cancer, that my mom was not in pain and that I did not have to stop teaching. I wish that they hadn't had to remove my breasts, that I could pick up my baby and give my boys real hugs, and that I could take away my husband's sadness. But I would not trade the intense closeness between Ryan and I and our understanding of God's love that has come from these ten days. I would not wish away my new dependence on God or my new appreciate for his gifts. And I would not give up how overwhelmingly loved I've felt by all of your prayers, encouragament and generousity. 

Thank you for everything. Do forget to notice what a good God we serve today.

Update 7/31/12

There are lots of thoughts and life lessons that I could pull away from today to make a more meaningful blog post, but right now I'm just gonna tell you all the facts.  First of all, thank you so much for the prayers.  I went to bed last night feeling something very close to despair and woke up with peace and feistiness.  My breasts have shrunk quite a bit since I've finished weaning, so today in the mirror the biggest lump was visible after my shower.  This just put a fire and a determination inside me.  I started this day ready to figure out my battle plan to fight this disease.  The rest of the day was a mixture of blessings and hard information.

My mom and dad were with us during all this in Medford today, which was so comforting!  First we met with my surgeon, Dr. Faught.  He is very kind.  He told us that the MRI showed that the large tumor was bigger than they expected at 3.5 plus cm, and that there is what looks like cancer all throughout the left breast.  My left lymph nodes are swollen, which could mean cancer, but they won't know for sure until they do the surgery.  There is no cancer in my right breast.  We told him we wanted to do the double mastectomy, and he agreed that was the best path for someone my age who already has breast cancer.  Then he explained what the surgery will entail: He will remove all of my breast tissue, then he will remove one of my left lymph nodes.  There will be a pathologist present during the surgery who will do the pathology right there to see if it is cancerous.  If it's not, then the mastectomy part of the surgery is over.  If it is, then Dr. Faught will remove the rest of my left lymph nodes.  We asked him if we could have breast reconstruction done during the mastectomy and he said yes, but he'd have to coordinate a time with a plastic surgeon and he seemed unsure if he'd be able to do that in time as he felt we should hurry the mastectomy along since the cancer is growing.  He said we could meet with the plastic surgeon he recommended tomorrow.  We were disappointed since we didn't really want to come back to Medford again.  Once he remembered we were from Klamath, he said, "Hold on a minute" and left the room.  Then God started swinging doors right open.

Dr. Faught came in and told us that not only did he get it coordinated with the plastic surgeon to have my mastectomy and reconstruction in just two days, but the plastic surgeon was ready to meet with us for a consultation right now!  Thank the Lord for swift answers to prayers.

So, we met Dr. Kreul, the plastic surgeon, and he is also very kind and thankful he can help.  We watched a disturbing video about reconstruction, went breast implant shopping and talked through the process with the doctor.  There are still a lot of different ways the reconstruction process could go based on what happens during the surgery and what treatment I need after.

Which is the final bummer.  It is almost certain that I will need chemo and possibly radiation after I heal from the surgery.  It's been hard for us to adjust to the idea that this surgey is the beginning of the battle and not the final solution like were hoping.  And yet Ryan and I want to do what we need to do to have me come out on the other side cancer free.  We were also disappointed at how long the reconstruction process is going to take.  We are looking at an eight week process that will be delayed if I have to have radiation.  I think I was hoping that I would go in and loose my breasts...which would be sad...but that I'd come out with new breasts...which would help with the loss.  Despite this, we are willing to do these necessary steps to win this battle.

Thank you to all of you who have been blessing us more than we can say.  Your prayers, notes of encouragement and acts of generous kindness have lifted our spirits and literally been God's love to us this last crazy week.  And God is so good to have this all move so smoothly and quickly.  Last Thursday, I found out I have breast cancer and this Thursday, I'll begin the process to get rid of it.  God is not just an opener of doors, but truly He is a door demolisher.

Please keep praying and we'll keep you updated!